Musings on my Muse
by hermionniny9
Summary: "It's time you moved on Mr Malfoy" Those words were the very ones I had been predicting and dreading. It was time I dragged out old ghosts. Moving on from a loved one's departure is hard, but with some help you can start.


That day was a momentous day for me, I had to face that she was gone and never coming back. The therapist recommended that I went through the stuff I had that reminded me of her, and that was what I was doing.

I was lead on my belly, rooting around under the bed. I knew that I had a good pile of stuff from school under there; I kept it for nostalgic reasons that were unclear to me.

I pulled out a hefty wooden box, on the top was carved _our memories_ this was going to be hard.

I sifted through the years of debris; old photos, the occupants waving up at me, scraps of paper, ribbons, cards, and the usual flotsam and jetsam of a long term relationship. I reached the bottom, expecting to find wood, but as my hand reached out I could feel leather. I tipped the box and a hard backed leather bound note book fell to the floor.

I took a deep breath, knowing what it was. I picked it up and opened it to the first page.

_Property of Pure Blood Malice_

_Do not touch, do not look, do not read_

_I will know._

It had been a long time since I had called myself Pure Blood Malice; I stopped because it sounded too much like Alice, and it was way too much like my father for my liking.

I flipped over the page to find my steady handwriting once again.

_The Musings of S. Malfoy_

Well the first page was a waste of time, this gave me away. I flipped over the page again.

_September 5__th_

_I saw you there, on the platform with your family saying good bye. You were all sun kissed and freckled. I watched as you were herded onto the train by your mother and whished well by her. You dragged you heavy trunk to my compartment and knocked on the door._

_I let you sit with me, we were friends after all. You gave me your usual toothy grin as I helped you have your stupidly heavy trunk onto the overhead rack._

_You hugged me once I had done it and inquired after my summer and family. Courteously I replied, saying that I hadn't done much at all. I noticed that there was a tan line on your nose, where I presumed that your sunglasses had been all summer, leaving a white line._

_You talked about Egypt and your family and everything that had happened to you in the summer. I was content to just listen to your chattering and nod where appropriate._

_For Lily there is a secret that I am holding from you, and as I sit her now watching to sleep, my coat draped over you and the rain hammering on the train window, I wander will you ever know?_

_Will you, Lily Potter ever know that you are the most important thing alive to me and always will be?_

_I presume not._

It was probably a good thing that she new knew about this book; it probably would have lead to my early death.

_September 30__th_

_Today they announced that there was to be a Halloween ball; you sat contemplating who would ask you for a good two hours. I looked on, whiling you think of me._

_We walked to dinner together, you still pondering who would ask. We sat at our usual seats on the Slytherin table. The Head Master had got up and started his usual speech, I turned to look at you to say something, but my words got stuck in my throat._

_You looked beautiful, the way the candle light was dancing in your eyes, the way the light caught the golden flecks in your hair. I could have stared at you for days and found something enthralling each time. But you turned to me, an odd look on your face, almost puzzled._

"_What, have I got something on my face" you hissed at me, looking concerned. I snapped out of it and replied that you didn't._

_Oh Lily how can you not see my adoring gaze? I love you right down to your annoying habit of chewing the end of your quill._

_I would right your name in stars only for you not to notice and comment about how lovely the evening was._

_And now as you sit, once again curled up on an armchair eyes closed and dreaming, you make me think two things;_

_You seriously need to get your sleeping pattern sorted_

_How the world may end tomorrow, but yet I would be happy, because I have this stolen moment._

Presumably if someone ever found this book and read it out of context they would think I am a stalker, in essence I was.

_October 14__th_

_Today I decided to ask you to the ball, I had been umming and areing for a long time about how to go about this._

_No one seemed to have asked you yet, I knew that I seemed to spend the whole day with you. So I decided to go for the 'let's go as friends' outlet. You would think that I was being kind, when I actually had ulterior motives._

_It was one of the most awkward moments I have experienced in my life so far._

_I quickly blurted the question out; you seemed a little taken aback._

"_Sorry Scorp but" those three words you said were like a bullet though the heart._

_You had already been asked; by another guy and a Gryffindor; Tristan Finnegan. Who could blame him though, a rare and beautiful flower like you. Who would want me? The traitors' son._

_I went to find this Tristan Finnegan; I wanted to see what he was like._

_I confronted him when I found him; I informed him that if he was to lay a single finger on you that he would have me to answer to._

_He didn't seem to take to kindly to that, it was a good thing for me that I was taller than him, otherwise I think he would have considered punching me._

_I went back to the common room, not likening the weekends that much anymore, I was about to get this book to write in when you confronted me._

_You were red in the face; an evil glair was in your eye. My misgivings about you being put in this house were changed._

_You unleashed your full wrath on me, throwing your arms about in exasperation._

"_Why?" you asked looking at me with stony eyes_

"_I don't know" I replied lying through my teeth, of course I knew, I wanted you all for myself. Like a little Edelweiss flower except that you wouldn't die if I picked you._

_I left you to write in this book; although I am writing to you I don't think that it would be appropriate for you to ever find it. For a start I don't think I would be able to look you in the eye again._

I placed the book on the bed open on the page I had left it on; I needed some coffee so I walked to the kitchen and started to make my drink. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil my mind wandered back to the book, so I rushed over to it and picked a page a little further on.

_October 31__st_

_Wallflower was the best word for me. That's not so true, I did have a dance partner, but she vanished off somewhere. I never particularly like Kate Zambizi she was a little to tempestuous for my liking, as you know._

_You were the envy of all the girls, I could see it, they were flashing you dirty looks. Well they were right to; the bell of the ball does not do you justice, Fem fatal? No, an earth bound Goddess of beauty, half way there. But it wasn't just this, I suppose that it was that you had the Gryffindor quiditch captain on your arm too, but that was not important._

_I sat on the side looking at the dancers for a good hour, and then you came over to me in your golden gown and asked for a dance._

_A slow song had just started and you explained that Mr Finnegan had to go to bed early due to a scout from some Quiditch team coming in the morning._

_I took you in my arms and held you (at a safe distance so it looked like friends, rather than more than friends) I caught the smell of a perfume that you had bought last year, you had taken ages deciding which one to buy, in the end I decided for you; it was called Sting and it smelt of spices and lemon. I thought that Sting was quite appropriate considering my name, you never got it._

_As the ball drew to an end you took a seat next to mine._

"_Wanna stay up; the rest of the Slytherins are having a bit of an after party?" you asked looking for a response from me._

"_Sure" I replied knowing now that you would get drunk and I would need to be there to keep you from doing something stupid._

_The ball ended and we got up to leave but as you did you swore, and pulled off your heals in annoyance. I looked at your little pink feet; they would hurt in the morning._

_I offered to give you a piggyback and you jumped at the opportunity not to walk down to the dungeons._

_You didn't weigh much, not really. You had your arms wrapped round my neck and you were whistling some inane tune._

_The rest of the guys piled into the common room, dates en toe. To stop anyone being disturbed we relocated to the seventh year dormitory. We had to quickly rush up and hide anything that we didn't want the rest of them to see, which we found out was quite a lot._

_When we had finished the rest of the party made their way up to the dormitory, no one was particularly intoxicated at this point but they would be shortly. Somehow I knew I would have to help you up the stairs._

_Eventually we were all inside and someone charmed the room so we couldn't be heard and then the alcohol started flowing. I don't know where they get it from but there is always some going round. I like to keep my head clear, well mainly because I like being in control but also I can use what people do when they are drunk as blackmail, not really._

_I settled down on my bed, legs crossed in front of me, back against the head board watching. You already had a glass of fire whisky in your hand, and may I remark a rather large one at that._

_Now as I watch you lot stumble about over each other I think, thank Merlin I'm T-total._

Reminiscing on parties of my youth really showed why so many illegitimate children were born. I took a sip of the black coffee I that I had between my hands and turned over the page.

_November 1__st_

_This morning I woke up and you were draped across me; essentially naked. Luckily for me I can remember what happened._

_You and the rest of the party were playing spin the bottle and you were dared to spend the rest of the party in just your underwear, so as you were drunk all inhibitions were long out the window and you willingly stripped down, much to rest of the rooms enjoyment. I can't say I dint enjoy it but it was funny._

_Casually you came over to my bed where I was still sat. You demanded that I moved over so that you could join me. Who am I to argue with a naked woman?_

_You wrapped your arms round my waist and I put my arm over your shoulder. Your face smiled up at me. I shook my head at you; you are so much like a child when you are drunk, all cuddly and soppy._

_You snuggled your head down against my side. I had dreamed of this so many times, well not exactly like this but the people were the same; you and me._

_Then you turned up to me._

"_You love me don't you" you said, I thought that I had been found out, and then I remembered how much you had drunk._

"_Yes Lily, who wouldn't?" I replied not looking at you_

"_No I mean really love me" you said slurring your words slightly "I can see it in your eyes" you got up and sat on your knees looking at me thought narrowed eyes._

_From somewhere, I don't know where, you pulled your wand. I moved to take it from you but you put your hand out to stop me. With a small flick the curtains were shut._

_Awkward_

"_Now tell me dearest Scorpius do you or do you not love me" you were waving you wand at me in a way that I didn't like. _

_I grabbed the end of your wand, but you wouldn't let go, I tried to pull it from you._

"_Tell me and I'll give it to you" you bargained_

"_Yes" I resigned to the fact that you would know for a few hours before you fell asleep._

_This is when you changed, suddenly a dark look came over your face and an unusual half grin appeared on your rosy lips._

_One word to describe you at that moment; Predatory._

_You lunged out at me, throwing your almost naked body at me; if it was a better situation I would have been ecstatic, but you were drunk and they would have said I took advantage of you. _

_But I would allow myself one minuscule second of satisfaction; you kissed me roughly on my lips. I counted to ten and pushed you away._

"_No, Lily...just no" you started to cry, and there were goose bumps all over your body._

_I pulled up the duvet and you wriggled in underneath, tucking you in I placed a small kiss on your forehead and wiped the tears from your eyes. Half an hour later you still hadn't warmed up so I got under the duvet with you, fully clothed mind you._

_That is why I found you draped across me in the morning, you were trying to keep warm._

_I anyone says anything happened that night, they are wrong; I am more of a gentleman than they give me credit for._

I put my empty coffee cup down on the table. Life without Lily was like no life at all. I flipped through the next few pages there want much there a few sketches of Lily, some remarks about her. Then I came to about half way through the book.

_May 12__th_

_Today I did it, I told you. We were in Hogsmead, you wanted to have a look at the Shrieking Shack, so like a man I obliged_

_You were looking out over the tumble-down shack, a mischievous look in your eye. You had decided that it was sensible to go have a look round the place and of course I was dragged along with you._

_It was a strange place; the shack so much had coincided with it. I didn't want to think about what had taken place there, so I made a point of thinking about something else, you._

_I sat on the bottom step of the stairs, looking at you as you ran your finger over a table which was covered in a thick layer of dust._

"_Lily we need to talk" I said twiddling with my thumbs_

"_Sure what do you want to talk about?" you asked wiping the dust off of your finger and onto your jeans._

"_There's something I want to tell you" I patted the space next to me for you to sit in, you did._

_I gulped, trying not to think of what you would do after I had finished. Probably run away._

"_I love you Lily" I said simply, staring at three large scrapes that ran down the opposite wall._

"_I know, I remember" you remembered Halloween; you obviously weren't totally out of it._

"_Yeah...well we should be getting back"_

_There was an awkward silence as we plodded back to school the spring sun on our backs._

_I suppose it could have gone worse, you could have run away screaming, or hexed me or something along those lines._

_Lovely rational Lily._

_I left you alone in the common room, and went to do something in my dormitory; I hadn't bothered to make an excuse._

_I threw myself on the bed causing some dust to rise in the air. I closed my eyes for a few moments of contemplation. Then there was knock on the door and you entered the room._

_I sat up and swung my legs round, you nodded to me._

_I was confused._

"_Yes" you said like you were thinking about how it would sound when you said it._

_I plastered a big grin across my face *_*_

"_One condition, don't say anything about my quill chewing" I laughed at how well you knew me and nodded._

_Our first, well second (to me it's our first) kiss was exactly what I have been waiting for, your little rosy lips on my pale thin ones. Your hands woven round the back of my neck, my hand caressing the small of your back._

_It seems wrong for me to be writing this, it doesn't do it justice and it's just weird._

_I'll leave you with a thought; tell the person you love everyday that you love them._

That as I knew well was my last entry, having Lily in my life properly was a full time job and was for the next five years.

For the sake of it I flicked through the last half of the book expecting to find nothing but ten or so pages later I came across another block of writing, this wasn't in my handwriting.

_**Dear Scorpius,**_

_**I know you think that I don't know about this book, I have done for years; it was just that I didn't want to spoil your fun. I do agree with you that this book seems a little stalker-ish; nonetheless I find it touching that you took the time to write this.**_

_**It was true I did know that you loved me, right from the start, I did but I didn't if you see what I mean. I didn't want to accept it because I didn't want to lose you as a friend. Then I realized, that day in the Shrieking Shack, that I could have that and more.**_

_**Now to the matter that I am writing in here for, I'm dying. There is noting that they can do, I have a year to live. You will find out in due course but I wanted to tell you now, the day I have been diagnosed that I am sorry and that I will be with you for the rest of your life and further. But I won't haunt you, don't worry.**_

_**You're probably reading this after I have died, and probably because the therapist has told you to have a 'clear out' or something along those lines. But don't throw this away, enter your thoughts, write to me as if I'm still alive, for all you know I might be able to see you, who knows. But this book is precious in ways that aren't magical or muggle, they hold our love (more yours than mine) this represents who I was and you should treasure it. That sounded a lot more big-headed than I intended.**_

_**I hope that like Napoleon my last words would be your name, if not I'm sorry now.**_

_**And I will leave you with some great last words from a man that you would never have heard of;**_

_**I am not the least bit afraid to die**_

_**Charles Darwin**_

I stared blankly at the pages not being able to say a single word; she didn't know how to tell me? I was good about it, I did exactly what the therapist said, let it out.

I had never cried like that, ever. It was alike an unlocking of all the grief that I had stored away. It had been a few minutes and I was calming down now, my breathing was becoming steadier and my pulse was evening out.

I pulled open one of the kitchen draws, looking for a pen was normally easy in this house but today it was proving difficult.

I opened the on the next clean page and set pen to paper.

_July 4th_

_It's been almost six months since you died, but now, since you wrote to me I think I'm on the upwards climb. It's going to be hard, I know, but I have that strange feeling that you will be with me all of the way; over every obstacle and every hill I have to climb. Because Lily, you may not be here, but you are still my rock._

_I think about you every day, every hour and every minute, you are constantly on my mind. When I go to bed I expect you to be there next to me, the warm lump in the bed to keep me warm, but you're not and that is what breaks my heart._

_I come home from work and expect to hear you humming, or the smell of cooking wafting through the flat, but I don't it is just a clod dark place where I drown in my misery._

_At first I blamed you, how could you leave me. But then I realised that it wasn't your fault, it was something unavoidable._

_Your pillow is starting to stop smelling of you, I can't bring myself to wash it; it would be like washing you away._

_In my dreams you are with me. That is my one comfort ;in dreams no one can die. My dream world is a place of life and summer, your favourite time of year._

_The flowers we planted in the window box have bloomed, and there are swallows under the eaves of the roof again. All in all the world seems to be moving on without you._

_But I don't know if I can Lily. The worst thing was that when you died I lost my best friend and my love._

_My love is eternal Lily, no matter what may happen in the rest of my life I will love you and remember everything about you, right down to the freckles on your nose._

_All my love _

_Scorp_

P.S I will leave you with a thought:

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

– Hellen Keller ( I've been doing some reading)


End file.
